For the second time.
There's a new feeling of frustration and even anger that defies normal depression at this point. What I used to vent, now I just let go. For everything I let go, a little chemtrail of it finds it's way back to me. All those little pieces find a hidey-hole somewhere inside and collect and grow together and I'm afraid they'll get too big and burst forth one day, misdirected at some uneventful bullshit.
But today... today was a real event. Today was important.
I made a promise to my Mother and my wife and our daughter; That kind of horrible fucking funeral would NEVER happen to anyone or their grieving families ever again if I could help it, if I were in charge.
But I'm not. Because for the second time, I failed the Alabama State Laws, Rules, and Regulations Exam pertaining to Funeral Service. And I sat there and looked at that screen that said FAIL and I cried and I punched the desk and I tried to hold it in so I could get out of there quickly and not disturb other test takers but...
I've complained all day since I got out, and with good reason, I think. There were a lot of of questions that were either misleading themselves, had misleading multiple choice answers, or had multiple choice answers that could have been more than one answer. Now, maybe you're saying that tests are supposed to be a little misleading so it makes sure you know or don't know the LAW, but the point is that it's THE LAW. It's supposed to be clear and direct, and in funeral service there's no "maybes."
I called Pearson Vue and complained and they told me to contact the International Conference of Funeral Service Examining Boards. They gave me their number three times and each time it was the same Fax number. Eventually I looked online and called the Conference that way, and they said to call the Alabama Board of Funeral Service. So I called them, and of course no one answered.
Regardless, in the end, it's my fault. I have to own and accept that. Out of 50 questions, I only got 34 right and that's not enough to pass.
I went to Jeff State and asked one of my teachers WTF I should do and she was flabbergasted I didn't pass. She said that I'm only the 2nd student she can remember to fail the State Law Exam more than once.
I feel like hell. I don't feel very depressed or hollow, I just don't know what to do now, except... just keep swimming. To take arms against these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and say, NO, fuck you, Hamlet, I will be and will continue to be until I can be no longer. Elizabeth said tonight that no one is a failure until they quit trying, and goddamn I have quit a lot of things.
But not this. Not yet. I owe it to too many people to give up until I'm ready to give up forever.