. . . But you can't do that at work.
I got my grades yesterday. I only passed two classes, which was really depressing since I had studied SO damn hard to try and pass my Psych/Soc class. I missed by 11 points on my final exam. I needed a 91 and got an 80.
My teacher told me he was proud of me for bringing up both my quiz and exam grades, but in the end, I had blown my midterm and it cost me. I remember taking the midterm and just fuckin' blanking out on all the vocabulary.
So I was sitting at work and had nothing to do so I was looking at Facebook when a few of my classmates said that grades had been posted. I searched for mine and was promptly shattered by that "D."
Did I mention that? To pass, we have to have a "C" or higher? We do. 'Cause otherwise I'd be fine. Maybe a little disappointed in myself, but still okay with a "D."
So I sat there, figuratively shitting on myself, feeling the depression wash over me again. And when I feel like that, when I'm collapsing into that lonely pit of self, I know (now) that I always fix it by doing something selfish, usually masturbation and a nap, other times buying something I have absolutely no need for, at least not at the moment.
But I couldn't do any of that this time, so I did something I never do in one of my depressed or anxious situations, and I confronted the problem.
Lemme take you back to the day of exams.
I dropped Law in order to refocus my efforts on my other subjects. I dunno if I would have passed the two subjects I did or had done as good on that Psych/Soc exam if I hadn't. But there were many... "inconsistencies" (for lack of a better word) regarding our Anatomy/Physiology material that we were supposed to learn. I had the same concerns as many of my in-class and online classmates that we were going to fail the class because we simply WERE NOT retaining the material due to the way it was presented.
Since the beginning of the semester, I had complained that the material was a bit complicated, wondering why we needed to know it, wondering why there was no prerequisite Biology class required, something that would've helped shit loads. Apparently I wasn't the only one.
Of my own volition, I took the time I would have spent taking the Law exam and wrote a very polite letter to my teachers asking them why a part time teacher is teaching our Bio class, why the curriculum is presented the way it is, how we as a class are supposed to learn, even if from trial and error, if we're only given two tests in Bio a year?
I know the squeaky wheel either gets the grease or it gets thrown away. That squeaky wheel was either gonna be me or the Bio teacher and if I had to take the brunt on behalf of the whole class for speaking my mind then so be it. I've never minded being the rebel, not that I was trying to be, but I'm willing to do what I gotta do.
I gave them both a copy of the letter and left after exams.
Back to the now.
Like I said, I did what I usually don't do and confronted the problem. I called my teacher and wanted to know why I didn't pass. He explained what he could over the phone and asked if I could come in, that they'd both like to see me. So I went in to the school today, not really knowing what to expect.
He showed me my grades and asked if I had any questions. No, I was just mad at myself is all.
He got my other teacher down there and we talked about the letter. They commended me for speaking my mind and not talking shit behind their back. They said not a lot of people in the program have ever had the brass to do that, much less people just in their first semester (or in my case finishing my first semester).
They put my mind at ease... at least a little... about next semester and how the curriculum will work then, but we talked candidly about my concerns I addressed in the letter and it was admitted there were some things that could be fixed, most specifically, like the homework we do is never given back so we'll never know if we did it right or wrong and it's seemingly pointless, not to mention course content that should be released the week before class isn't released until the day of or day after class (and if it was, I never found it available until after class, which was too late).
This time a year ago, I had just taken my placement test and had no idea what I was truly in for in the year to come. I made it anyway.
Everyone tells me how proud of me they are and a small piece of me swells with pride before being deflated because I know I should have been here doing this almost fifteen years ago, and beside that I know that even though I'm going to school to do something I actually enjoy learning about and doing at work, it depresses me again to know I'm pushing art and writing and wrestling and even Kung Fu further and further and further away and if you don't use it you lose it and every day I just get fatter and more complacent and have to lean further over to see my dick.
Was that TMI? Yeah, probably time to wrap this up.
I've got the balls... the gumption, to do everything but help myself. You wanna fight? I'm up for it. Wanna argue over nothing? I'll play Devil's Advocate. Wanna have a shoot out? I'll be your Huckleberry.
But just as much as I said I'm afraid of failure because everyone wants me to succeed and especially because Dahlia and Elizabeth are relying on me, I'm afraid of doing any better because I just want things to be easy and let me avoid conflict, let me avoid anything complicated, let me be lazy and selfish and wallow in mediocrity.
It's so hard to do both.